Hard Realizations and the Determination to Change

Best part of being in a prom picture is finally realizing how hideously huge you have become. I’ve been making excuses for why I haven’t gotten serious about getting in shape because the truth is it’s scary. I know it’s going to hurt like hell and I don’t know if I’ll be successful. I guess that’s a mindset I need to change. Somehow I knew I’d recover from the divorce emotionally and financially but I’ve always had doubts about physically. I think I’ve gained about 100 pounds over the past five years. Telling myself I wasn’t ready to do the work yet or make a definitive commitment or whatever was so much easier.

And of course there’s always the thought that what if I lose the weight and I’m still alone. Then that would mean I’m just unlovable. Full stop. Right now, I can blame the weight. It’s like some sort of test, knowing that people love me despite the weight. As if it isn’t a part of me. It’s a shield from so many things. It’s also killing me.

If you’ve never had a weight issue, imagine what it would be like to put on a fat suit and carry an extra 50, 75, 100, 125, or 150 pounds around with you every day. My joints and back hurt so terribly all the time that I’m terrified of what any exercise is going to feel like.

But I guess I won’t know if I stay on the couch. And the only way out is through. I think that’s one of the thoughts I need to take to heart to motivate myself. I need to know that I can do this and I don’t yet. But obviously waiting until I do know that isn’t the answer and has only made the situation that much worse.

I’ve never been one to say I think I can about anything. I have to know. Somehow I knew I’d be okay before with other parts of my life even when the evidence to back up that knowledge wasn’t readily available. So I’m going to fall back on some of the coping skills that have gotten me this far in other areas of my life. Skills like talking baby steps but continually moving forward. Embodying the expression, “Fake it till you make it.” Reconditioning my responses. And living life one breath at a time.

I can do this. The only way out is through. And I’m stronger than I know. Strong enough to do anything. Anything.

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