Too Many Words


   There was a time
When I didn’t have the words
A time without meaning
Before this leaning
On words like a crutch
Was much more than a wish
A dream
To somehow take these feelings
Thoughts and dreams
Of a better world
Find a way to pull then together
And say what I felt
And maybe be heard
Over the cacophony of this world

   There was a time
When rhythm and rhyme
Were things I kept secret
Hidden in my heart divine
Poured over but never discussed
Because I didn’t know much
And was terrified
To be ridiculed
When my ignorance was exposed
Naked but for my love
Of passionate prose
Words enveloped in bows
For surely they told a story
Just as important
As longer works
These little verses
That tugged at my heart

   But my art
Was never so refined
So as to be able
To bring meaning to rhyme
No there was a time
A time long ago
When I gave up writing
And only read
A time when my fear
Gave over to dread
Because who was I
To try to explain the world
When my view of it
And my understanding
Was so small

   And then there came a day
When something snapped
Some regulator inside me
Let go
And some switch
That was stronger than
Anything designed to hold it in place
Flipped on and my desire for words
To describe what I saw
To explain what I felt
To try to understand
This thing they call self
Became not a want
But a need

   And with nothing
To hold it in check
The words flowed out
Gushing forth
Like some primitive font
Burst forth from the earth
They are raw
And unyielding
They don’t line up neatly
In tight little rows
Marching forward
Down the page
Like the word soldiers
Of earlier ages
When fashion dictated
They must be thusly so

These words come
From an older place
Where fashion and grace
Do not get to dictate
How they form or flow
They are my release
A psychic spewing
Of pent up feelings
When I am frustrated
Or worn down
Written down
In a word release
The metaphysical
Auditory masturbation
Were I to read them aloud

   Ah but then
My embarrassment would return
And I would be forced to learn
How society views
Displays like mine
Where inner demons
And undying love
Go to hide
From the disapproving stares
Because to want attention
And also love
Is unheard of
And if you stand
In the center of Time Square
Yelling out your inner demons
You will surely get attention
Love, not so much

   If instead
You scribble down
Your inner demons
My inner demons
The pain of a love
Not lost
Because that would be far easier
Than the love you’ve found
But cannot have
Hoping against hope
That these words
Spilling out of you
Literary blood
Running down the gutter
To pool in the cesspool
Of modern publishing
Would garner some attention
Or at the very least
Out the damned spot
Of existential pain

What I’m left with
Are too many words
Imperfect in so many ways
Much like me
Yet even more words
Will follow right behind
Each trying to do
What the previous group could not
Each carrying a piece
Of the things I don’t know how to say
Out into the light of day
As I try to make sense
Of me
Leaving only those words
Too too many words

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