Settled

I can’t imagine
What it feels like to feel settled
To know that where you are
Is home

I watch other people
Watching their kids
Our kids
At sporting or school events
And I can imagine them
In that same place
Twenty years from now
Doing the same
With their grandchildren
Because their parents
Are right there with them

I don’t know if my kids
Will have kids of their own
Or if they do, where they’ll raise them
But I’m pretty sure
I won’t still be here
When that day comes

The only place I’ve ever felt like I belonged
Was were I grew up
We moved away
When I was 10
But later we moved back there
And I discovered
That feeling of belonging
Of being home
Was specific to when I
Was that child
And it wasn’t going to change
Just because I moved back.

That place was no longer home
No place since has ever felt that way
So now, home is only a faded memory
Of a feeling, of family
Acceptance and innocence
That I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reproduce again

The closest I’ve ever felt to being home
Being settled
And feeling safe and secure
Was when I was in your arms
But time and distance
And other people
Separate us
So that you feel farther away
Than even my childhood

And I’m getting used to this feeling
Of living life unsettled
Of being slightly off balance
And never truly home
So much so
That I wonder
If this not-quite-right feeling
This unsettledness and the
Unsettled mess of me
Helps keep me on my toes
Keeps me searching
So that I never settle
For things I’ve already done
But instead keep pushing myself
Forward, onward
Looking for somewhere to settle
Somewhere
Or someone
To call home

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