Happy Birthday, Mom

I tried to not think about you today
I know it’s your birthday
And that kinda goes against the grain
But I miss you so much
Even when I’m trying not to
If I push you away from my thoughts
I can sometimes
Almost
Make it through a day
Without crying

I’ve had so many triumphs
In the past few months
Almost in spite of the sadness
So many things I’ve wanted to tell you
In the hopes that you would be proud
Even if you don’t understand
Why I’m driven to do these things

I struggled today
A couple of times
But for the most part
Made it through okay
I talked to Dad yesterday
To tell him, “Happy Birthday”
And that I love him
I couldn’t help thinking of you too
I always thought it was so cool
That your birthdays
Were side by side
But I didn’t mention it to Dad
Because he seemed happy

And I feel like I should be apologizing
For not mentioning you
And trying to not think about you today
But I know you understand
It feels both sad and strange
To miss you more now that you’re gone
Than I ever did when you were here
And I regret not working harder
To make our relationship stronger
But I know you understand this too

I’m sorry I’m crying again
Neither of us wants that
When I think of you being gone
It scares the crap out of me
I can’t imagine leaving my kids
My friends, my family
But I guess we don’t get much choice
Or you’d still be here
Celebrating your 70th
And I’d be calling you too
To tell you, “Happy Birthday”
And that I love you.

One thought on “Happy Birthday, Mom

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