Insecurities

In those final moments
Of a long day
That seemed to span
A week or more
Just before I grudgingly
Drift off to sleep
And in the first moments
Of the next
In a string with no beginning
And no end
I think of you

And in that pre-dawn dark
The question comes to mind
As it has so many other times
Were you proud of me?
But I’m a parent too
So I hope I know the answer
That you were proud
Of even the slightest triumph
And that you always cheered
For every success

Yet that answer
Doesn’t give me any peace
Because my triumphs
And successes
Have been few and far between
I have struggled
My entire life
My mistakes
Have been epic
And I know you struggled
To understand me

Did you know
That I had finally
Reached a place
Where I no longer doubted myself?
Did you know
That these words
That tumble out of me
As if they have
Their own agenda
And breath of their own
Have given me a strange sort of peace
As if they pull the pain
Out with them
Onto the paper
Where it lays
Impotent and immobile?

You were always worried
Or so it seemed
That I wouldn’t be able
To take care of myself financially
So everything came down to money
And I’ll admit
To those same fears
But I don’t need much
I don’t need wealth
I’m getting by

What I’ve needed all along
Was to know
That despite my epic failures
And bad decisions
Was that I am loved
Was loved
And as the dawn lifts
And light slowly creeps in
The realization dawns as well
And I know you did

But did understanding come
With that love?
Did you read the words I gave you?
When you held them
Did you feel
The weight of my heart
Did you feel that infant
That you delivered
So long ago
Or the agony
Of my own delivery
So many years later
When my need to create
With these words
Became a physical form?

As much as I would give
And it’s a sum, a price
Mindbendingly staggering
To know that you read my words
And that they touched you
If only in some small way
Or that if you read them
You didn’t immediately
Wonder if I could make a living
With them
But instead were simply moved
It no longer matters
Because I’ll never know
And wondering does nothing
Except make me terribly sad
And crazier than I might
Already be

I know I disappointed you
Too many times to count
And that you never
Understood me
But still you loved me
And now I’ve learned
To love myself
So I guess I couldn’t
Ask for more
So as you go
Please take my insecurities
With you
I don’t want you to have them
But could you just drop them off
At some corner of the universe
On your way
To wherever you’re traveling?
I don’t think I need them anymore.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.