Inertia

I have so many days
Where I’m fighting
Inertia
It would be so easy
Just to give in
And some days I do
I allow myself
To be quiet and still
Feel myself sink down
Into the murky pool
Hoping the acts
Of being quiet and still
Will silence the voices
In my mind

The voices that taunt
And tease and jeer
Voices from my past
And my own inner demons
The ones I some days
Want to answer with
You were right
I’m still that fat little girl
I’m a talentless loser
Or hey, guess what
No one wants me
I’m alone
Are you happy now?

But I don’t let myself
Sink down into this
To give those demons
Those asshole kids
From the playground
What they want
I do it for me
Because when I quiet myself
I muzzle them too
I know they are there
Lurking in my shadows

But also there
In the darkness
Of my mind
I tethered a lifeboat
It is elegant and regal
And everything I’m not
It is every shade of pink
Satin and bows
It is every girly detail
I’ve never been
And it keeps me from sinking
Any farther than I choose

And when I sink
Quietly to this place
I become all that I am not
Recharging my energy
To fight another day
It’s taken me so very long
To understand myself
The rhythm of these moods
And most importantly
To understand that
It’s okay
To regroup
Recharge
To just be

The difference
Between inertia
And recharging
Between despair
And desire
Desire to do more
To be more
To persist in a world
That seems determined
To see me fail
Is my attitude

My understanding
That I am stronger
Than those voices
Stronger than the doubters
Stronger than they
Or I will ever know

I gather myself
In that quiet special place
The quiet of my inner strength
To push forward
Doing whatever needs done
To persist
Because I insist
On surviving
Thriving as an artist
As a woman
And as a mom

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